Monday, October 24, 2011
I Solve the Nation's Problems
War, hunger, disease, invaders, and corruption. You’ve heard a plethora of proposals to end these scourges, but we know in our hearts that none of them will work. The plans we hear about come too late, offer too little, or are just plain dumb.
I have a solution that will work. Guaranteed. Here it is.
I propose that every household in the United States designate a sacrifice: a member they will give up for the good of the nation. Maybe you’ve got a kid who just isn’t working out like you hoped. Maybe your mother-in-law has been living with you for three years now and everybody’s pretty sick of having her around. Maybe your spouse has gotten expensive what with knee replacements and prescription Viagra.
There could be any number of reasons for your choice, but make one—let’s say by April 15th. Within three months, the designated sacrifice will cease to exist. Note: You won’t have to watch. Someday he’ll leave home and never come back, or you’ll go out for a gallon of milk and find her gone when you return.
This plan is fair, effective, even (sorta) Biblical. If it isn’t American, maybe it should be.
If you’re thinking it sounds harsh, give me a moment. Here are the advantages.
*The population will drop drastically, lessening strain on budgets, housing, medical care, etc.
*The old, sick, and incompetent will likely be most often chosen, so health care costs will plummet.
*For all you homophobes, the gay population will be reduced by almost 50%, since they’re mostly households of two.
*Jobs will be created. Somebody’s got to do the actual work of this plan, which will involve list-making, phone calls and record-keeping, and, of course, the wet work. Again, we’ve got plenty of people qualified for those jobs—in the government and in prison. (Another advantage: less jail crowding and a chance at fulfilling work for those less than completely socialized).
If you have a relative outside your home whose removal would benefit the nation, (ex-spouse, street bum, prison inmate, or college student) you can designate him or her by providing five (5) supporting testimonials. We will hunt him/her up--maybe "down" is a better term--and make that person your sacrifice. You’ll still be making a contribution, and we appreciate that.
Illegal aliens could be offered a deal: if they give up TWO household members, they can stay. That way we still have enough workers for all those jobs we don’t want, but not as many scary foreigners as before.
Incentives could be given to rid the nation of wrong-doers. If a family gives up a member with a rap sheet, they get—oh, maybe one of those foreclosed homes the banks are all stuck with.
If a family simply can’t make the choice for themselves, a neighborhood poll could be taken. That teenager who drives by your house full speed or the guy who borrows your tools and never returns them could be history.
So there it is. If it seems heartless, consider this. How much worse is it to let people go on with no jobs, no medical care, no homes, and no politician anywhere who can figure out how to help? My way is quick, and admit it—unless you’re the one chosen, you won’t be losing much. Everyone has a relative who just takes up space or even pollutes the space around him or her. We need group sanction, permission from society to say: “This is where it ends.” It’s kind of like that TV show "Intervention" but with permanent results.
And just so you know, this plan can be re-instituted as needed if things start to go awry again. History shows us that it often takes more than one purge to really set things right again. ;)